Sorry for the silence. Like a lot of people I found myself kind of frozen leading up to the election and for a while after it.
This post’s topic isn’t a happy one, but it’s one I think matters–how to handle that one (hopefully just one) colleague who constantly refers to your size at the office. Let me lay out a few assumptions: first, the person doing this tries to frame their comments innocently, but the stream of “Wow, that’s a nice suit–I bet it’s really hard for you to buy clothes, isn’t it?”; “You took the stairs? Really?”; “Hey, here is a great deal for a gym membership that you should check out!”; “Let’s get lunch from Panera–although you probably want fried chicken, Chris?” and so forth is fairly steady. In isolation, comments like this are a thoughtless moment. In a steady stream, they are acts of aggression meant to draw attention–yours and everyone else’s–to your body and appearance. They create a hostile environment for you at your workplace.
I’m not talking about people who know you well and pass along tips because they know you are trying to live a healthy lifestyle and they’re supportive (i.e. actual friends). You can usually tell the difference, but ask yourself–would this person make these remarks to their supervisor? If the answer is no, you’re dealing with microaggressions.
I am assuming that your job does not require you to function within certain physical parameters such that your weight could be an actual issue. However, since you are probably not a jockey, an actor needing to play a certain role, or a Victorian chimney sweep, you have the right to make clear that your body is not a suitable topic of conversation in a the workplace. Period. Not your gender, not your skin color, not your (dis)abled status, and not your weight. Especially if you’re female, you may not have thought about it in these terms, since women’s bodies are often conversational topics.
So let me say that again: Your body is not an appropriate topic of discussion or innuendo in a professional environment. You have the right to set this boundary and demand that it be maintained.
As weight is not a federally protected category in terms of discrimination, your HR department will probably not be much help. I’m also assuming that you and the person involved occupy equivalent positions in terms of the hierarchy–if you’re an entry-level network admin, and the perp is the CIO, I’m not sure what you can really do other than look for another job.
With those caveats, here’s my advice. After the problem co-worker makes another remark that seems to reflect on your weight, say to them, “You seem very concerned about my size. Do you believe that it has kept me from doing my job here?” They say no, and probably start to stammer a bit, and then you say (even if you interrupt the stammer–yes, you can interrupt people!) “When I’m at work, I focus on my job and not my private life. I ask you to do the same.”
Keep in mind, this person been indulging their mean streak at your expense while feeling self-righteous about it–an irresistible combination to a certain type of person. They didn’t expect to be called on it, and they’ll get defensive. Probably they’ll try to redirect the conversation back to your size somehow, which in their deluded minds gives them a moral high ground. “I was just trying to help!” “I’m concerned about your health risks” or even “People like you drive up health care costs”–whatever. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM ON THESE TOPICS. This isn’t the time to tell them about your prescriptions or conditions that cause weight gain, or the fact that actually you’re down twenty pounds from your life-time high, or to in any way justify your size–because you don’t have to. The point here is their unprofessional behavior, not your size. Instead, stay focused on the boundary you are setting: “My appearance is not an appropriate topic for you to bring up at work.” “I ask that you stay focused on my professional performance.” “Let’s keep our discussion to work-related subjects.” Practice these in the mirror–seriously, it’ll help keep you from getting flustered in the moment.
Don’t preface any of this with an apology–don’t say “I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is a professionally-appropriate conversation point.” That implies that you are somehow in the wrong, which they will jump all over. If you have picked up a verbal tick of prefacing statements with “I’m sorry” (again, fairly common if you’re female) you definitely want to practice saying all these things at home beforehand. Write them down and memorize them like you’re learning lines. Then, whatever this would-be bully says, just repeat your statements. Eventually, walk away, even if they are still talking.
They might instead challenge your identification of their microaggressions (which can extend to straight-up gaslighting): “you misunderstood me I wasn’t implying anything like that at all don’t be so sensitive it wasn’t like that I have lots of fat friends.” You should still reiterate your point. “I’m glad to hear this was a misinterpretation. I know in the future all our conversations will be about work and not my appearance or personal life.” Walk away.
Stick to your guns. If you are in the habit of talking about body- or health- related topics at work with your actual friends there, perhaps avoid doing so for a while before and after the conversation takes place. Not that you don’t have the right to choose to discuss these topic with some people, at some times, while still objecting to others. Still, the reality is that you will have more luck making this stick with the office jerk when he can’t point to your long chats with your bestie about your latest round of doctors’ visits.
Being big doesn’t mean you have to accept unprofessional behavior or a hostile work environment. You owe no apologies to anyone for this. Good luck.
